i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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