He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
