I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
