Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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