im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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