The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
