My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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