What a fucking waste of an outfit
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
