just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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