He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
