i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
