just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
