Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
