i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
