Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
