Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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