Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
