we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
