I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize