someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
