Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
