a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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