i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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