oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize