He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
