I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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