He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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