Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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