Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
if only i could text you this smell
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize