i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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