my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I didn't notice because vodka
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm really busy with my period
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