I looked at my own cervix.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
