either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
