I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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