I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
