the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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