Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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