Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
