Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
