I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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