I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
