She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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