Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
