it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
