Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't deserve a penis
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
