he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize