the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize