Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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