He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
