uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
