FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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