Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
