There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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