I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
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