help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
