i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This is my gift to your gina
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
