she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
