My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
