I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize