I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize