Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize