Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
