she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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