Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
