1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
