i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
