true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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