i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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