but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
