i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
