Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
