I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
