There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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