you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize