If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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