where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
4 words: hood of his car
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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